Okay, now it has been a month since I heard the words..."we're shutting down the company and you'll have a job through Friday...Friday...Friday (echos)"
What have I learned about myself in 4 weeks of unemployment? That I am not nearly as self-motivated or organized as I had hoped I would be.
One week of planned vacation
One week of hitting the job search very hard
One week of trying not to get depressed and still searching for a job
And now one week of numbness intertwined with a full freak out episode last night sparked by a conversation that was totally removed from unemployment issue...but nevertheless exposed my fragile state of mind fully to myself...a very effective mirror of the soul.
Sigh, sometimes I still feel like such a kid...like living the bad dreams I used to have every end of summer right before a new school year...I would dream about losing my class schedule and not knowing where to go and eventually missing classes and tests and either failing or getting some pretty miserable grades...I am feeling like that right about now...that I don't have my schedule in life and I don't know where I should be or what I should be doing.
It really isn't any different than any other day...we ALWAYS have our whole life before us...at any given time...it's just that when we have made a big decision (to go to college, to move somewhere, to take a "permanent" job, to marry someone, to become a parent, etc) we can settle in to somewhat of routine and get on with it. When one of these major directions is suddenly interrupted we have the opportunity to rethink the direction we are going in...take inventory and determine if we are going down the right path and if we are going to continue down the same path...or is it a crossroads that we should ponder for awhile? And if we determine that we want to pursue a different path then we take a big breath and step forward. That's the place I'm at...coming up to a 4 way stop. I obviously am not going back down the road I just came from, but am I going to go straight forward pursuing the same career path I was on, or is this a God-given chance to pursue something else?
For anyone who knows me and my heart I would become Mother Teresa and just go out and touch the rejected souls of the world so that they at least had one smile and one hug in their memory. However, it's not practical and it's not even a remote reality since I live in the burbs and have a husband and 2 kiddos that I love dearly. So, here goes again...me and my 4 year degree and 30 years of office experience...where does God want me to go next? Where will His love and light shine through me? Whose path will I cross with that He will have me be there for to flash a smile in the middle of a dark day, to offer a listening ear, or a prayer when hope is waining?
Lead me on Lord. Isaiah 30:21 "and when you turn to the right hand, and when you turn to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way. Walk in it." (World English Bible)
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